Let Me Tell You How to Coach…
- Steve King
- Jul 11
- 3 min read
The Hidden Contradiction at the Heart of Modern Training
“Let me tell you how to coach.”
Read that again.
It’s a phrase heard every day in training rooms, webinars, workshops, and professional development sessions.
And it contains one of the biggest contradictions in education.
If coaching is about helping people think for themselves, why do so many trainers spend their time telling people what to think?
The irony is hard to miss.
We stand at the front of a room explaining the importance of asking questions. We deliver presentations about client-centred learning. We lecture people about the value of reflection.
And then we wonder why those same people struggle to become effective coaches.
The Expertise Trap
Most trainers don’t fall into this trap because they lack knowledge.
They fall into it because they have too much.
Experience creates confidence. Confidence creates certainty. Certainty creates telling.
When you’ve spent years developing expertise, it’s natural to want to share it. After all, that’s what you’re being paid for.
The problem is that knowledge transfer and behaviour change are not the same thing.
Just because someone has heard something doesn’t mean they’ve understood it.
Just because they’ve understood it doesn’t mean they believe it.
Just because they believe it doesn’t mean they’ll do it.
And just because they do it once doesn’t mean it has become a habit.
Information is cheap.
Transformation is not.
The Illusion of Learning
Many trainers judge success by how much information they delivered.
How many slides?
How many models?
How many techniques?
How much content?
But learners judge success differently.
They judge it by what they can actually use.
The uncomfortable truth is that people can leave a workshop with pages of notes and no meaningful change in behaviour.
They can remember every acronym and still teach exactly as they did before.
Because real learning doesn’t happen when information enters the ears.
It happens when meaning is created in the mind.
Why Questions Beat Answers
When people arrive at a conclusion themselves, something different happens.
The idea feels personal.
Ownership increases.
Defensiveness reduces.
Motivation strengthens.
The lesson is no longer your lesson.
It becomes theirs.
This is why coaching conversations are often more powerful than explanations.
Not because explanations are bad.
But because explanations create compliance, while discovery creates commitment.
A learner may follow your advice because you are the expert.
They are far more likely to sustain change when they discover the reason for themselves.
The Driving Instructor Example
In driver training, this happens every day.
An instructor says:
“You were too close to that parked car.”
The learner nods.
The lesson moves on.
Compare that with:
“How much space do you think you left there?”
“What might have happened if that door opened?”
“What could you do differently next time?”
The first approach provides an answer.
The second develops judgement.
One creates dependence.
The other creates independence.
And ultimately, independence is what we are trying to achieve.
Coaching Is Not the Absence of Expertise
Some people hear this and assume coaching means never giving information.
That’s not true.
Expertise matters.
Knowledge matters.
Experience matters.
The role of a coach is not to pretend they don’t know.
The role of a coach is to know when to use that knowledge and when to create space for thinking.
Sometimes people need information.
Sometimes they need guidance.
Sometimes they need instruction.
But often they need a question more than they need an answer.
The skill lies in recognising the difference.
A Better Question for Trainers
Instead of asking:
“How much did I teach today?”
Ask:
“How much thinking did I create?”
Because the quality of your coaching is not measured by the answers you give.
It’s measured by the thinking you generate.
The best coaches are not remembered because they had all the answers.
They are remembered because they helped others discover their own.
And that starts by resisting the temptation to begin every coaching conversation with:
“Let me tell you how to coach.”
About The Calm Instructor
At The Calm Instructor, we believe that the future of driver training is not built on delivering more information. It is built on creating better thinking, better decisions, and ultimately safer drivers.
Because people rarely change because they were told.
They change because they discovered something for themselves.
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